the post no one wants to write.

We lost our baby.

I had more bleeding (I had a good bit of spotting with this pregnancy) and went back for a 3rd ultrasound and internal check. The ultrasound tech told me what I could see for myself- "I'm sorry, sweetie. There's no heartbeat." and then "... it's only measuring about eight and a half weeks." when I was about 12 weeks along.

This whole pregnancy felt different. I told a friend just Thursday that I just didn't feel pregnant. Every time I've gone in with bleeding, the ultrasound tech has only said "there's your baby, there's it's heartbeat" with no explanation of the bleeding- which never really reassured me. The baby was measuring 2 weeks behind as of week 8, and that also always stayed in the back of my mind despite reassurance from the doctor to "be optimistic- you probably just have your dates off." I told my mom just the other day that I was so tired of this in-between. I either want to know everything's ok, or that it's over.

.... and now I know it's over.

While I am incredibly sad and yesterday was absolutely terrible, I am surprised at how quick and easy the D&E has been for me. My doctor is a close family friend whose wife went through this after their first child (they went on to have 4 more) and he was extremely kind and sympathetic. He quickly called over to the hospital and told me that we would have this all taken care of as quickly as possible. Thankfully, my mom got Noah immediately after we left the doctor yesterday morning and between her and Joe's parents, he was well taken care of until about 5pm today when he came home. Also, a great friend who is also a nurse at the hospital was there for me and Joe through the entire surgery, which helped put me at ease, as this is the first time I've ever been under anesthesia (I won't lie, I was terrified). My wonderful friends from church have brought meals for the past two nights and will continue for the next couple nights (which, by the way Jessica, is totally appreciated and above and beyond anything I expected) and I have been covered in prayer since the moment all of this started. I have had minimal pain and I have an amazing husband who has been so strong and taken such good care of me for the past 48 hours.

I also know that my Lord knows what's best for me. I am certain that God's plan for my life is better than anything that I could ever possibly imagine and this just has to be a part of it.